The Complexities of Dating in Recovery

I have learned that I most likely will never know all of the complexities of the dating process, and I am thanking my Higher Power because it is too freaking complex!

I came into the process of dating while in recovery hoping for a set of rules - guidelines even, but nothing. So far, I have gotten a lot of opinions from friends, family, and others in recovery. The things I have heard seem to make sense. The trick is this - you never know how the other person (dating partner) is going to respond.

There are too many variables, which is a part of life. The serenity prayer talks about "accept the things I cannot change" and there are many things you cannot change in the dating process.

Here are five things - just a starter list - of the things you cannot change:

1. You cannot change how your date shows up emotionally. He/she has his/her history -good, bad, even ugly - and you know none of it up front! We know how challenging our histories are and how those histories influence our reality - good grief! 
2. You cannot change the perceptions that your date has. He/she may have "rose colored glasses" on or sees the world in black or white. Grey may be an option too. All I have to say is - be prepared!
3. You cannot change your date's ability to communicate. If you are in recovery, most likely you have worked on communication with your sponsor or with those in the program - great - but that doesn't prepare you for your date showing up and not knowing a lick about proper communication. I recently had a bad experience that required every square inch of my internal and external boundary system to be at full capacity. I had to make sure that I didn't violate him or allow him to violate me. Talk about exhausting!
4. You cannot change the expectations of your date. Even if those expectations are communicated to you - most likely they won't be - you have no control how those expectations will influence the dating process. You know what they say about expectations - they lead to resentments!
5. You cannot change your date's fear response. Fear comes up a lot in dating. In my recovery, I have learned that we have three distinct fear responses: fight, flight, or freeze! I knew about fight and flight - but freeze? Yes, freeze is a response that many people experience. When someone freezes you most likely will experience a stall in the conversation; he/she may give you a blank stare, or you get him/her stumbling on words - searching for a way out. But what about fight? You may get raised tone of voice; a blunt request to end the date immediately - usually after the raised tone of voice; or you get someone who is too aggressive to even engage with any further - get your ass up and leave immediately is my advice! And I think most of you probably know what flight looks like no return call, text, or email. 

Dating in recovery is complex - but you don't have to be. A few things I have learned about how I need to show up for a new dating experience;

1. What are my motivations? Why am I on this date, with this person?
2. What are my expectations? Do I want something casual? Am I even attracted to him? Am I hoping for more than I have communicated?
3. What have I already communicated to him? Did I tell him about my recovery history already? Did I take note of my availability? Did I tell him that I will not be having sex on the first date?
4. What am I feeling? I don't need to be on a date feeling anything but calm or slightly anxious. Anything else requires me to postpone!
5. Do I feel safe? Did we pick a good, well-lit dining spot? Did I make sure I can get back to my car or home?


If you have any questions, post below! I hope we can all help each other.


Stay safe, sane, and sober.

DJ
ijustwantedlove.com
tinyurl.com/djsnewbook

Dating in Recovery Pt.3

The reality of dating in recovery is settling in; just because I am available doesn't mean he is, and I don’t have to settle!

With the guidance of my sponsor and therapist, I have explored online dating, again, for the last month or so. I was hesitant to go online because I met all three of my former partners online and none of those worked out. The truth is, they didn’t work out because they weren’t supposed to…not because I met them online.

I decided to try this online dating thing out with recovery surrounding me. I have a dating plan which includes a timeline as well as a list of healthy qualities that I am looking for.

Well, the long and the short of it, so far, is that I have met three different people and neither was emotionally available. It was clear from the first interaction. Two of the guys even stated that they were not available. So I wonder….why are you dating online if you are not available?

It makes it difficult for someone like myself, a recovering person, trying to do something different, when the “available” people are fooling themselves and others. Here is what my mental checklist is like now after three dates;

He is not available if:

• He works more hours than 45 hours a week
•  He has almost no friends
• His self-care is less than appealing;  exercises sporadically; eats out all the time; knows he has “issues” but doesn’t have time to address them; drinks alcohol more than water; has Grindr, Scruff, or some other quickie hook up app installed on his phone; or spends the majority of his time alone
•  Talks too much and isn’t asking questions about me
• I know all his friends’ names and their issues within an hour of meeting
• He is in the middle of changing careers

I am sure there is more to add, but hopefully you get the gist. If you have any “warning signs” that you have found send them my way. We have to stick together as we learn to live healthier lives.

I hope I don’t sound too jaded. It’s just a bit underwhelming and frustrating to put myself back out there without using my old, addictive tools. They didn't work before...they just let me numb the emotions that surfaced. Glad that part of my life is over. 

At least I recognize the importance of having a healthy relationship with my Higher Power; helps to know I am not alone.

This is it for now. I look forward to hearing from you.

Stay safe, sane, and sober,

DJ

Ijustwantedlove.com

djburr.com

Dating In Recovery Pt. 2

I am learning about healthy dating, and so far it has been an exciting journey. I allowed myself the opportunity to go out with a nice gentleman last week. It was relaxing and fun. The best part—no drama! I was pleasantly surprised. I went into the situation knowing that I was not looking for anything serious; a friend for sure!

The evening couldn’t have gone better. We had several things in mind. I was able to stay present and not drift off into “fantasy land,” like I used to in my active addiction. I left the evening feeling hopeful that he and I would have another date. In fact, we agreed that we might link up this weekend.

Then I got an email last night:

….If I may turn the email to a slightly more melodramatic path: I have been accused of sending mixed signals, and I'm not always great about being clear about my intentions. So, for transparency's sake, I'm not looking for much more than friendship right now. I just didn't want to make you think I was looking for things to turn romantic or anything.  (Perhaps its stupid of me to even mention, but again, I don't want to be misleading. I'm just really bad and reading and sending clear signals.) 

Hmmmm….I received this email while out with a friend, so I was grateful I had someone to process with. Since this is my first foray into healthy dating things are a little confusing for me still. Was this a brush off? A tentative “friends only?” “Is he even interested in getting to know me more?”  He later wrote that he would still like to get together this weekend, which is nice. 

My mind became flooded with a lot of supposition and unnecessary angst. I consulted with some friends, and the consensus is that this guy and I are on the same page—friendship first. I am still following my dating plan (click here to get your free dating plan).

I am an addict in recovery and unfortunately that doesn’t stop my “addict” from creating drama where there is none. I have spent some time this morning reflecting, and I am grateful for this experience. I have no lofty ideas for this friendship. Making a new friend is the priority. But, I was hoping I would get a different type of email….if I stay in that place too long I will end up resenting the process though. “Go with the flow” as my daily meditation email said this morning.

What’s your method of “going with the flow?” 

Stay safe, sane and sober,

DJ

djburr.com

ijustwantedlove.com

Dating in Recovery Pt. 1

 I imagine that I will be talking a lot about dating in recovery over the next several months. I have been tasked with “dating” which is turning out to be completely different than I have ever experienced in the past. It is interesting, complex, nerve racking and fun. That is right; I said fun. I cannot believe it either.

My therapist and I have been talking for months about his idea of what healthy dating looks like. According to my therapist, “Dating is getting to know a person under casual circumstances to see if you have common interests and a fit.”

In my history, dating involved chatting online, meeting for the first time, having sex hours later, and staying in a long-term relationship till it failed. I think I am starting to like what my therapist is selling.

My therapist went on to say, “This is not a dichotomous choice: not just friend or fuck buddy. It is a grey  area, which is not a slippery slope (because I am used to those), but the area of your life that you missed out on. You need to entertain other emotions, not just sex.”

In recovery, I have learned that I can have healthy friendships with other men, which was not something I had known while in my acting out. Men were almost always sexualized prior to receiving treatment and finding 12-Step recovery. I am grateful that there has been such a dramatic shift. I was curious when my therapist mentioned “grey area” and I said, “You want me to explore grey areas?!” He laughed and replied, “Not your addicted idea of grey area.” He went on to explain that since I was molested as a kid, my idea of getting to know someone was inaccurate and not helpful. I had to take a pause…for several days.

In my book, I Just Wanted Love, I write about the experience of trying to introduce myself to a boy in high school. I didn't know how to approach him. I was scared and nervous. Unfortunately, the person who molested me was often giving me guidance on how to go about interacting with this kid from school. It makes sense to me, now, that I was negatively influenced and my entire concept on how to express interest in conversing with someone looked more like “grooming” than healthy dialogue.

Today, I am learning to say the basic “Hi, my name is DJ. How are you,” which hasn't been easy. The task now is just to speak to another man without having an agenda mapped out. I am excited to learn more about healthy communicating and dating. I know for sure that it’s all new to me and the best part about it all is that I don’t have to do it ‘perfectly’ because there is no perfect. Today, I am focused on progress not perfection.

Post, share, and comment. I would love to hear your feedback.

Stay safe, sane, and sober,

DJ

dj.burr.com

ijustwantedlove.com