The Complexities of Dating in Recovery

I have learned that I most likely will never know all of the complexities of the dating process, and I am thanking my Higher Power because it is too freaking complex!

I came into the process of dating while in recovery hoping for a set of rules - guidelines even, but nothing. So far, I have gotten a lot of opinions from friends, family, and others in recovery. The things I have heard seem to make sense. The trick is this - you never know how the other person (dating partner) is going to respond.

There are too many variables, which is a part of life. The serenity prayer talks about "accept the things I cannot change" and there are many things you cannot change in the dating process.

Here are five things - just a starter list - of the things you cannot change:

1. You cannot change how your date shows up emotionally. He/she has his/her history -good, bad, even ugly - and you know none of it up front! We know how challenging our histories are and how those histories influence our reality - good grief! 
2. You cannot change the perceptions that your date has. He/she may have "rose colored glasses" on or sees the world in black or white. Grey may be an option too. All I have to say is - be prepared!
3. You cannot change your date's ability to communicate. If you are in recovery, most likely you have worked on communication with your sponsor or with those in the program - great - but that doesn't prepare you for your date showing up and not knowing a lick about proper communication. I recently had a bad experience that required every square inch of my internal and external boundary system to be at full capacity. I had to make sure that I didn't violate him or allow him to violate me. Talk about exhausting!
4. You cannot change the expectations of your date. Even if those expectations are communicated to you - most likely they won't be - you have no control how those expectations will influence the dating process. You know what they say about expectations - they lead to resentments!
5. You cannot change your date's fear response. Fear comes up a lot in dating. In my recovery, I have learned that we have three distinct fear responses: fight, flight, or freeze! I knew about fight and flight - but freeze? Yes, freeze is a response that many people experience. When someone freezes you most likely will experience a stall in the conversation; he/she may give you a blank stare, or you get him/her stumbling on words - searching for a way out. But what about fight? You may get raised tone of voice; a blunt request to end the date immediately - usually after the raised tone of voice; or you get someone who is too aggressive to even engage with any further - get your ass up and leave immediately is my advice! And I think most of you probably know what flight looks like no return call, text, or email. 

Dating in recovery is complex - but you don't have to be. A few things I have learned about how I need to show up for a new dating experience;

1. What are my motivations? Why am I on this date, with this person?
2. What are my expectations? Do I want something casual? Am I even attracted to him? Am I hoping for more than I have communicated?
3. What have I already communicated to him? Did I tell him about my recovery history already? Did I take note of my availability? Did I tell him that I will not be having sex on the first date?
4. What am I feeling? I don't need to be on a date feeling anything but calm or slightly anxious. Anything else requires me to postpone!
5. Do I feel safe? Did we pick a good, well-lit dining spot? Did I make sure I can get back to my car or home?


If you have any questions, post below! I hope we can all help each other.


Stay safe, sane, and sober.

DJ
ijustwantedlove.com
tinyurl.com/djsnewbook