The reality of dating in recovery is settling in; just
because I am available doesn't mean he is, and I don’t have to settle!
With the guidance of my sponsor and therapist, I have
explored online dating, again, for the last month or so. I was hesitant to go
online because I met all three of my former partners online and none of those
worked out. The truth is, they didn’t work out because they weren’t supposed to…not
because I met them online.
I decided to try this online dating thing out with recovery
surrounding me. I have a dating plan
which includes a timeline as well as a list of healthy qualities that I am
looking for.
Well, the long and the short of it, so far, is that I have
met three different people and neither was emotionally available. It was clear
from the first interaction. Two of the guys even stated that they were not
available. So I wonder….why are you dating online if you are not available?
It makes it difficult for someone like myself, a recovering
person, trying to do something different, when the “available” people are fooling
themselves and others. Here is what my mental checklist is like now after three
dates;
He is not available if:
- He works more hours than 45 hours a week
- He has almost no friends
- His self-care is less than appealing; exercises sporadically; eats out all the time; knows he has “issues” but doesn’t have time to address them; drinks alcohol more than water; has Grindr, Scruff, or some other quickie hook up app installed on his phone; or spends the majority of his time alone
- Talks too much and isn’t asking questions about me
- I know all his friends’ names and their issues within an hour of meeting
- He is in the middle of changing careers
I am sure there is more to add, but hopefully you get the
gist. If you have any “warning signs” that you have found send them my way. We
have to stick together as we learn to live healthier lives.
I hope I don’t sound too jaded. It’s just a bit underwhelming
and frustrating to put myself back out there without using my old, addictive
tools. They didn't work before...they just let me numb the emotions that surfaced. Glad that part of my life is over.
At least I recognize the importance of having a healthy relationship
with my Higher Power; helps to know I am not alone.
This is it for now. I
look forward to hearing from you.
Stay safe, sane, and sober,
DJ
Ijustwantedlove.com
djburr.com
No comments:
Post a Comment