Beware of the "Geographical Cure"

I remind myself as an addict, wherever I go there I am. In other words, I cannot run from my problems. In my personal and professional life, I get to witness men and women on their recovery journeys. Those individuals’ paths can sometimes be quite life altering. When there are significant sobriety challenges for these individuals, I see them look for an immediate fix and as some of you problem know recovery is a process and not an event.

It pains me to see folks reach for the geographical cure, because their instinct is to run. Most often I  see this type of behavior in individuals who struggle with acceptance that he/she, in fact, has the disease of addiction; or, a relationship  or job suddenly ended because of relapse; or, recovery becomes just too damn hard and a “fresh start” is appealing.

Moving away and changing jobs does not negate the fact that addiction is real and will go wherever you will go. It is an unfortunate disease to have, but I know that recovery saves lives. I can admit that I have pulled a geographical cure, and that is how I got to Seattle. I wanted a fresh start too, and I dragged all my problems with me including an already broken marriage.

I encourage you – if you are thinking about seeking a geographical cure – consider the pros and cons. If your sobriety and/or recovery is potentially in jeopardy because you hope to find a solution somewhere else – don’t do it, at least not right at this moment.

You are worth giving yourself time to heal. Do the best you can and let go of the rest.

Stay safe, sane, and sober,

DJ

ijustwantedlove.com

tinyurl.com/djsnewbook

ableseattle.com

The Courage

I never truly knew what “courage” meant while in addictive addiction. I thought I needed courage to try new, exciting, and exhilarating activities that were harmful, destructive, and disrespectful to myself and others. I thought I needed the courage to be better and to do more.

Courage was always something I thought I had. Being in addictive addiction and acting out in addictive ways was not courageous – it was self-will run riot. I was a total mess and because of denial, I couldn’t see it for myself.

I was so lost in the pursuit of love, safety, and belonging – I was chasing a false high and reality. Today, I still pursue love, safety/security, and belonging but in healthy ways.

Today, I have the courage to say “no” when someone attempts to cross a boundary. I have the courage to try new, healthier behaviors, like online dating without attaching having sex as an immediate outcome.

I also have the courage to stand up and state my truth to people in my new book, I Just Wanted Love: Recovery of a Codependent, Sex and Love Addict. I am amazed how many people have written about the powerfulness of my book. I recognize that by writing it and publishing it, I have been courageous. I am no longer scared of who I was, who I am, or who I will become. I know that I am perfectly imperfect and I am okay with that.

I know now that I am a courageous person. I have the courage to be D.J. one-hundred percent of the time.

I am forever grateful to all of you for being a significant support. To thank you, I am making my book, I Just Wanted Love, free on Kindle for the today and tomorrow. Download yourself a copy, because all of you inspired me to be courageous enough to write it.

In loving kindness,

DJ Burr

ijustwantedlove.com 

Exciting Announcement

Hello all. Things are exciting right now for myself and my team at ABLE Counseling Services, LLC. We are gearing up for my very first in-person speaking engagement for my new book, I Just Wanted Love: Recovery of a Codependent, Sex and Love Addict. 

It has been an incredible journey filled with tears, tantrums, smiles, and joy! I am so proud of this book and the team that helped put it all together. 

I want to extend an invitation to each and every one of you to join me as I share my experience, strength, and hope at the Seattle Area Support Groups Community Center in Seattle, WA on Saturday, March 14 from 1:00PM to 3:00PM. 

I will read select passages from my new book, as well as answer questions related to the book and recovery. Also, attendees will have an opportunity to enter to win a one on one coaching session with me. 

Let's start a rigorously honest discussion about codependence and sex! See you there. 
Stay safe, sane, and sober!
Sincerely,
D. J. Burr
www.ableseattle.com
www.ijustwantedlove.com

The Complexities of Dating in Recovery

I have learned that I most likely will never know all of the complexities of the dating process, and I am thanking my Higher Power because it is too freaking complex!

I came into the process of dating while in recovery hoping for a set of rules - guidelines even, but nothing. So far, I have gotten a lot of opinions from friends, family, and others in recovery. The things I have heard seem to make sense. The trick is this - you never know how the other person (dating partner) is going to respond.

There are too many variables, which is a part of life. The serenity prayer talks about "accept the things I cannot change" and there are many things you cannot change in the dating process.

Here are five things - just a starter list - of the things you cannot change:

1. You cannot change how your date shows up emotionally. He/she has his/her history -good, bad, even ugly - and you know none of it up front! We know how challenging our histories are and how those histories influence our reality - good grief! 
2. You cannot change the perceptions that your date has. He/she may have "rose colored glasses" on or sees the world in black or white. Grey may be an option too. All I have to say is - be prepared!
3. You cannot change your date's ability to communicate. If you are in recovery, most likely you have worked on communication with your sponsor or with those in the program - great - but that doesn't prepare you for your date showing up and not knowing a lick about proper communication. I recently had a bad experience that required every square inch of my internal and external boundary system to be at full capacity. I had to make sure that I didn't violate him or allow him to violate me. Talk about exhausting!
4. You cannot change the expectations of your date. Even if those expectations are communicated to you - most likely they won't be - you have no control how those expectations will influence the dating process. You know what they say about expectations - they lead to resentments!
5. You cannot change your date's fear response. Fear comes up a lot in dating. In my recovery, I have learned that we have three distinct fear responses: fight, flight, or freeze! I knew about fight and flight - but freeze? Yes, freeze is a response that many people experience. When someone freezes you most likely will experience a stall in the conversation; he/she may give you a blank stare, or you get him/her stumbling on words - searching for a way out. But what about fight? You may get raised tone of voice; a blunt request to end the date immediately - usually after the raised tone of voice; or you get someone who is too aggressive to even engage with any further - get your ass up and leave immediately is my advice! And I think most of you probably know what flight looks like no return call, text, or email. 

Dating in recovery is complex - but you don't have to be. A few things I have learned about how I need to show up for a new dating experience;

1. What are my motivations? Why am I on this date, with this person?
2. What are my expectations? Do I want something casual? Am I even attracted to him? Am I hoping for more than I have communicated?
3. What have I already communicated to him? Did I tell him about my recovery history already? Did I take note of my availability? Did I tell him that I will not be having sex on the first date?
4. What am I feeling? I don't need to be on a date feeling anything but calm or slightly anxious. Anything else requires me to postpone!
5. Do I feel safe? Did we pick a good, well-lit dining spot? Did I make sure I can get back to my car or home?


If you have any questions, post below! I hope we can all help each other.


Stay safe, sane, and sober.

DJ
ijustwantedlove.com
tinyurl.com/djsnewbook

The Return of Choice

In the rooms of recovery, we often talk about the "return of choice." In other words, we become able to choose for ourselves instead of our addicted brains compelling us to do harmful, destructive behaviors. 

I am grateful for the return of choice. Having the ability to choose has opened up my sober life to many beautiful, inspirational opportunities. I am no longer compelled to carry out sexual acts that are against my value system. I can have male friends without sexualizing the relationship or them. I have learned to love myself and love others as human beings who are perfectly imperfect. 

I am free of compulsive behaviors dictating my very existence. My choices are no longer directed toward a bottomless pit of shame and despair. I don't have to consider suicide as an option to hide away from pain. 

I have a family who loves me and whom I love. I don't have to make sure they are okay before I am okay. I get to experience healthy dating for the first time in my life. I no longer have to have hook ups with strangers in order to feel valuable, wanted and loved.

I have the choice to be myself. Recovery has given me the freedom to choose who I am; who I love; want I want; want I need, and to make healthy decisions without sabotaging my life in the process. 

Writing my memoir, I Just Wanted Love: Recovery of a Codependent, Sex and Love Addict, has given me an outlet to get all my secrets out. I no longer have to carry them around like a one-hundred pound boulder. Today, I am living a healthy life. I like myself and I love myself like never before. 

I am grateful for recovery--without it I wouldn't be safe, sane, and sober. 

Happy New Year to you and yours. Take care of yourselves and each other. 

Sincerely, 

DJ Burr

Tense & Release

My new book, "IJust Wanted Love: Recovery of a Codependent, Sex and Love Addict," will be released on December 31, 2014, which is only 18 days away! I am truly excited to have the world know my story. I believe it will be helpful to so many in recovery and those exploring whether or not recovery is for them.

Although I have all this excitement---it is causing some tension as well. My story is not a simple story. It is extremely complex and a many people will be impacted by the words I have written. A few weeks ago, I traveled to Georgia to talk to some of those people. I had to share with them some emotionally painful facts about my life pre- and post-recovery. 

I was grateful that I walked away from that experience having a new found love and respect for my family. They were mostly appreciative of my openness and willingness to be so vulnerable. I know they are proud of me. 

I remember feeling so much tension prior to meeting with each person to tell him/her a piece of my story. I didn't know what to expect. I tried not to make assumptions about what the response would be. I relied on my Higher Power to guide my words and my actions--and I made it through. I would leave a person's home or restaurant location and feel the tension and anxiety release from my body. It felt relieving, but after doing that probably more than ten times I was exhausted. I think I am still recovering from my trip. 

My work hasn't stopped since returning to my home in Seattle; I made a choice to notify the spouse of the man who molested me. Higher Power helped me understand that notifying her is the next step in my recovery process. I mentioned my desire to my therapist and he told me that by telling her my truth I would finally be free of all secrets--no more fuel for my addiction!

As you might imagine, I felt incredible amounts of tension during the writing process. I prayed before allowing my Higher Power to guide my words. I wrote until the letter felt complete. My body became so tense--I felt physically sick, but I felt relieved moments later. It was like a toxin was finally out of my system. I cried while reading the letter to one of my best friends. It was the most impactful letter I have ever written. It was the honest, brutal truth. It was brave and beautiful. It is freedom. 

I don't know how many people will appreciate the work that I am sharing, but if just one person is helped, I am happy. Let my voice be a guide when you need one. My process hasn't been perfect, but it is overseen by a loving Higher Power who wants nothing but the best for me--that's more than I could ever ask for. 

If you want a chance to heal--tell your truth, even if it's only on paper. Allow the tension an opportunity to release.

Stay safe, sane, and sober. 

Happy Holidays,

DJ

ijustwantedlove.com

tinyurl.com/ijwltrailer--book trailer

Songs of "I Just Wanted Love"

Make Your Meetings!

Recovery Slogan: Seven days without a meeting makes one weak

Ain't that the truth. I was on vacation for two days and knew I needed to make a meeting. In some cases there isn't a meeting that is centrally located or convenient time wise, but I can't let that be an excuse. I may not be able to make it to a sexual recovery program or one for codependence(because those are not always available), but when a meeting is needed I will go to any 12 step. There are non-traditional meetings; phone, Skype, text based. I will do it all. I don't want my recovery to become weak!

How do you stay connected?

Stay safe, sane, and sober,

DJ
@djburr1022--Twitter
Facebook.com/djburrseattle
Ijustwantedlove.com
Tinyurl.com/ijwltrailer--book trailer