I imagine that I will be talking a lot about dating in
recovery over the next several months. I have been tasked with “dating” which
is turning out to be completely different than I have ever experienced in the
past. It is interesting, complex, nerve racking and fun. That is right; I said
fun. I cannot believe it either.
My therapist and I have been talking for months about his
idea of what healthy dating looks like. According to my therapist, “Dating is
getting to know a person under casual circumstances to see if you have common
interests and a fit.”
In my history, dating involved chatting online, meeting for
the first time, having sex hours later, and staying in a long-term relationship
till it failed. I think I am starting to like what my therapist is selling.
My therapist went on to say, “This is not a dichotomous
choice: not just friend or fuck buddy. It is a grey area, which is not a slippery slope (because
I am used to those), but the area of your life that you missed out on. You need
to entertain other emotions, not just sex.”
In recovery, I have learned that I can have healthy
friendships with other men, which was not something I had known while in my
acting out. Men were almost always sexualized prior to receiving treatment and
finding 12-Step recovery. I am grateful that there has been such a dramatic
shift. I was curious when my therapist mentioned “grey area” and I said, “You
want me to explore grey areas?!” He laughed and replied, “Not your addicted
idea of grey area.” He went on to explain that since I was molested as a kid, my
idea of getting to know someone was inaccurate and not helpful. I had to take a
pause…for several days.
In my book, I Just Wanted Love, I write about the experience
of trying to introduce myself to a boy in high school. I didn't know how to approach
him. I was scared and nervous. Unfortunately, the person who molested me was
often giving me guidance on how to go about interacting with this kid from
school. It makes sense to me, now, that I was negatively influenced and my
entire concept on how to express interest in conversing with someone looked
more like “grooming” than healthy dialogue.
Today, I am learning to say the basic “Hi, my name is DJ.
How are you,” which hasn't been easy. The task now is just to speak to another
man without having an agenda mapped out. I am excited to learn more about
healthy communicating and dating. I know for sure that it’s all new to me and
the best part about it all is that I don’t have to do it ‘perfectly’ because
there is no perfect. Today, I am focused on progress not perfection.
Post, share, and comment. I would love to hear your
feedback.
Stay safe, sane, and sober,
DJ
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