Today is my birthday and I am excited! Happy 32nd to me. I remarked earlier on Facebook that the best birthday present that I could give to myself was to be safe, sane, sober, and single...and I am all four of these.
It was shocking to think about being single and not
be freaked out about it. For the last 20 years or so, I have been searching for
love in all the wrong places. To be single was a death sentence. It equated to
being abandoned. And who wants to be abandoned?
One of the important lessons that I learned on my
recovery journey is this: only children can be abandoned; adults should know
that another person isn’t guaranteed to be present forever. It’s hard to believe, but
so very true.
I was emotionally abandoned as a kid. I don’t blame my
parents….anymore. They both did they best that they could do at the time.
Neither had the luxury of getting a “how-to” manual from their respective
parents on how to be “good parents.” Today, I am grateful for both of my
parents—without them I wouldn’t be writing this blog post and sharing all my
inner workings with my followers.
This last year has been a journey for sure. I didn’t know
what to expect twelve months ago when I was celebrating my 31st
birthday. I knew that I had a year of sobriety under my belt, and I was adamant
about holding on to my sobriety and my recovery. I stayed close to my
recovery—which meant staying away from slippery places and people—but the one
place I couldn’t escape was my home and, the one person, my husband.
Four years ago, I married the man I believed to be my best
friend. We had
issues from the beginning and we just covered them up and went on smiling and
planning for the future. I wanted to be loved and that meant staying in a
relationship even when it wasn’t working out. It was a habit. I had done it
twice before. I didn’t know or couldn’t accept that it was a pattern, at the
time.
All I knew was that I had a partner that loved me and that
was enough. We tried to make it work, but over the last year it became evident
that the pain we were both in, internally and externally, was not making life
manageable. In fact, life was unmanageable.
Working a two Twelve-Step programs and trying to save a marriage
at the same time is a courageous, yet foolish, journey, in my humble opinion. It
was unfair to the relationship, to me, and to him to try such a momentous task.
We aren't perfect.
Unfortunately, the marriage failed. I know that I am not a
failure. I know that he is not a failure. We made mistakes and those mistakes
led to the downfall of our marriage. The last 12 months taught me a valuable
lesson: MAKE YOURSELF A PRIORITY AND KEEP MOVING FORWARD! It was a resounding
echo in my head.
To keep myself a priority, I had to end my marriage. I will
say that I firmly believe we are both grateful for it—even if it still hurts.
And it will hurt for a while. I loved him greatly.
Instead of always “wanting” love, I began to love—myself. I
have learned to love myself and to love myself feels good.
I am learning to take care of all my needs and ask for some
of my wants. I no longer have to fight to make myself a priority. I am “The
Priority.” I am proud to say that so many things have changed that are pretty
damn awesome.
My new book, “I Just Wanted Love: Recovery of a Codependent,Sex and Love Addict” will be released on 12.31.14. Pre-Order is available on
Amazon.com. My entire recovery journey, starting from my formative years, all
the way to the last year or so of my recovery, is highlighted. It has been an
amazing, painstaking journey that has brought me great joy.
I hope to write more about my courage, strength, and hope. I
want to share my ups and downs with my family, friends, and fans. Like the
first chapter of I Just Wanted Love says, “I Am Only As Sick As My Secrets.”
Stay safe, sane, and sober,
D.J. Burr
http://tinyurl.com/k9s5r4t I Just Wanted Love-Book Trailer
Follow Me on Twitter: @DJBURR1022
